Dateline: Missoula, Montana. Two and a half months post-RogerI am being resurrected this sunny Easter Day. No sign of Roger though. Damn.
I tried to keep up the Bone Marrow Boogie blog but couldn't stick it out. I have enough painful reminders of him in my life as it is. Every cupboard, every drawer, every bill and piece of junk mail. Every grocery item I purchased because he might like it. Every voicemail message that I check at the end of my work day. Every reminder from Facebook to send him a Valentine or wish him a happy birthday (I've learned to avoid Facebook). I spent the first month finding and framing photos of Roger and putting them all around the apartment. This week I took them all down and put them away again. I don't need painful reminders of what I've lost; it's etched in my brain and on my heart forever and all too frequently thrown in my face.
Common everyday chores are turned into sentimental and sometimes hysterical emotional journeys by the requirement to show Roger's death certificate as proof that I am not doing <blank> as a mean trick just to spite him. Fill in the <blank> with the name of any routine chore. Changing the name on a bank account, selling a car, even getting the household bills and credit cards switched to my name. I have burst into tears at the bank, at the grocery store, at the AT&T cell phone store, at the Motor-Vehicle Divison of the State of Montana. I think I'm making a name for myself in this small town as the lady who cries in public and makes us all uncomfortable.
So, there you go. I've gone underground. Life has been quiet, dark and scary. And, yet, I still live. Apparently I will go on living. How? That is the challenge that lies ahead.
I thought maybe I would start by creating a space of my own. What's next? I think I should do a little design, maybe put up some pictures on this new blog?
I don't expect many of you to follow me from the Bone Marrow Boogie to Widowhood 101 since the focus has changed so much. If you care to learn, along with me, how it's possible to survive widowhood, stick with me. Bookmark this page.
--Candi
