I realized a few days ago that I have not sat in the living for more than a few minutes at a time since his death. It was Roger's room, the room where he held court and told funny stories, or got outraged over politics. It was the room we sat in together at the end of each day. I haven't been comfortable there without him. That's all well and good, but I cannot go on avoiding the living room forever.
I realized that I have been so deep in my own grief that I didn't even notice others are grieving too. To those of you that loved Roger, I am sorry that I haven't paid attention.
I realized that, while I am now more comfortable making references to Roger and to his death and to my grief, other people are less comfortable with it. I guess they think I should be over it by now. Don't worry, you are not expected to say anything profound. "Sorry you're going through this" is sufficient. Or, don't say anything, just be tolerant and let me be in it until it passes.
I am realizing, day by day, that I am alright with being by myself. I am lonely for Roger but I am never bored. I enjoy the feeling of competence that comes of knowing I can take care of myself.
I am simplifying my life. Eliminating tasks that are not essential and belongings that no longer belong. I avoid news and politics; I don't need that stress right now. I make plans if I feel like it and I bag out if I feel like it.
I am getting by. I hope you are too.
As always, you expressed this so eloquently. I think of both of you all the time. We know Roger is gone, but it still feels like your Volvo will pull up on the curb, you'll both jump out with laughter and hugs (and treats) and we'll have another big party. We miss him dearly, he will never be gone from our memories and you are always in our hearts.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard not to think about him, every day...sometimes it makes me sad, & I cry, but the end result is a smile...such nice memories!
ReplyDelete